Did He Really Just Say That? I Thought He Was Kidding.

The monthly project review meeting, on the massive project, started out just like all of the previous review meetings. Nothing out of the ordinary. My role was designing and facilitating the project review meetings so that the steering committee executives, gathered for the meeting, were up to speed on project progress, aware of the critical path to completing the project ahead of schedule and acutely aware of risks they needed to mitigate.

Everything was going just fine in the meeting when all of a sudden the project engineer, a guy I’d been working with for almost a year, looked straight at me and blurted out “Sally, enough with the southern accent! You can turn it off now.” At first I thought he was kidding. I mean really, turn off my accent? What, like you turn off a water faucet? 

I quickly discovered from his angry demeanor that he wasn’t kidding. He went on to say, right there in that packed conference room, that he just couldn’t stand my accent. That it drove him crazy. (In his defense he was from a part of the country known for having little or no distinct accent.) His perception was that my accent was contrived; that I was intentionally creating that way of speaking, rather than it being natural. 

The conference room became eerily quiet. The executives comprising the steering team, stared at the guy in total disbelief that he had just said what he did. The project manager, to whom this guy reported, almost fainted. After all it was the project manager who had made the decision to retain me to help them build a high performance team and deliver a project on an accelerated schedule. Needless to say, I was speechless (and for people who know me well, that’s really amazing).

Why do I tell you this story? Because, here’s the thing. Not everyone’s going to like you. Not everyone’s going to enjoy working with you. Not everyone’s going to appreciate the value you bring to a situation. Some people, like this guy, may not like your accent. 

But just because someone doesn’t appreciate your value, doesn't mean you don’t have value. You do have value! There are people who appreciate you! Be sure you aren’t giving more attention to the negative, discouraging and energy-draining people than you are the positive, encouraging and energizing people who value you.

Some people, like this guy, are woefully lacking in social skills. I felt bad for him, because his outburst instantly damaged his career. The executives in that meeting saw that he lacked awareness, essential social skills and the ability to keep his emotions in check  - all qualities needed in leadership positions.

The really sad part of it all was that he didn’t see anything wrong with his outburst. He was oblivious to the fact that he had just torpedoed his career. He wanted to be a project manager; and now that wasn’t going to happen anytime soon, if ever.

It’s been over twenty years since that guy said that to me. I don’t even remember his name. Hopefully he had the good fortune of finishing out his career working with people who didn’t have a southern accent. 

I do, however, remember the situation. I want to remember it. It’s a great reminder to treat people with kindness - even and maybe especially when they are different from ourselves. And it’s a great reminder of the power of our words. Words can tear people down, or they can build people up. 

What are your words doing?